New Blog

I am a Lubavitch Nister. This blog is where I will iy"H anonymously express my feelings and document my experiences reintegrating back into Lubavitch. Due to the sensitivity of the issue my desire to remain anonymous will save me and my family embarrassment and harassment from those who disagree with the Lubavitch Chassidic mindset and way of life.

Short background for anyone that wants to give me advice if anyone will even read what is written here.

I am in my mid 20's with a wife and 2 children. My parents are Lubavitchers markareved ten years ago. I rejected this and five years ago began to live a more religious life. I had some very bad experiences with Lubavitchers as well as people that have disdain for Lubavitch. In my typical rebellious fashion I spent the better part of the past 4 years trying to distance myself away from Chabad as much as possible.

This year 5771 something changed inside of the deepest recesses of my soul. Simchas Torah it was clear that some sort of bond and fire within me towards Lubavitch had ben rekindled. I have been learning Chabad Chassidus now with rigor and its depths consume me with desire and strength.

Now what am I to do? I knew that the slightest deviation from my seder of life would be noticed. First I started using Nusach Ari again, claiming that it was what my father uses. The tie as a Breslover once joked a misnagdish gartel began to grace my neck again after a 2 year hiatus. Why? I heard a story from Rabbi Paltiel about one of the Malachim Chassidim going to the Friedeker Rebbe and claiming ties are gashmius and unfortunately ends up going off the derech. I begain to tie tefillin again like Nusach Chabad without much notice as well.

I have many amazing relationships with Lubavitchers, but the Yechi Melech HaMoshiach thing would drive me crazy to the point of many angry fights with my parents. Then I realized thanks to the anecdote of the Baal Shem Tov that "If you find a flaw in others and it angers you, then it is inside you that same flaw". I had my own problems dealing with Moshiach and his arrival. Pshat is im over it. It doesnt bother me. When I hear people badmouth Lubavitch for this I ask them how much they believe in Moshiach? believe he is coming THIS VERY MOMENT! but alas he doesnt but we still wait for him via one of Rambam's principle of faith.

I still dont wear the Chabad levush because I think that one must be a Lubavitcher inside before outside. I will spend my time probing the Chassidus of the Rebbeim and trying to strengthen my connection to Hashem through the learning of Torah.

CHITAS. I havent learned Mishneh Torah in well over a year. Still time.

In short, I believe that the Rebbe is the Nosi HaDor and that no other Tzaddik comes close to his holiness and impact on the Jewish people. Chassidic Rebbes around the world would come to Crown Heights to meet him. He truly was a Melech. Ha Moshiach? Rabbi Friedman once said. You made a gadol of a tzadik into a katan of a moshiach. I think that is loosly translated but it rings true. If we do what the Lubavitcher Rebbe ZT"L demanded then we will get to meet Moshiach speedly in our days and see just who he is.