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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Payos

(Picture courtesy of breslev-midot.com.)

Reb Chaim Vital says, that Arizal did cut his peyoys, so they wouldn't go into "zokeyn mamash", i.e. actual beard. Ariza"l says nothing about cheek bone. 

There are two ways to read this.1. Simply the beginning of the beard (i.e. cheek bone). This understanding is used by Chabad and Chernobyl.

2. The beard under one's chin (here the "mamash" is stressed, i.e. the actual beard is understood as the part of the beard underneath one's chin. This is practiced by many chasidim, including Breslov.

I started growing my payos a little more than 3 years ago. There are close to 12 inches long and have been unkept and uncut since my decision. It was based on a few factors mostly based on the inspiration and chizzuk (strength) I received from the Chassidus I was learning. A more shallow and childish reason was to look as much non Lubavitch as possible. The topic of payos was brought up as I was learning chassidus and the Rebbe says very sharply in an igros that anyone who has long payos cant think that they hold by the Arizal in respect to payos at least. Im not sure if it was a good thing but I read almost the entire thread on Chabadtalk.com about payos and what Chabad Chassidus and the Rebbe say. Last Shabbos someone asked me if my children will have "langer payos", to which I responded I dont know. Then it happened.

I almost cut them. Mamash. Finally asked my wife and she said that I would get so much flack from people as they mostly have forgotten what I looked like without these massive side locks. I asked a close Lubavitch friend and he said not to cut them yet and that we need to talk. 

This all culminates with a dream I had last night where the Rebbe visited me to tell me to come for Mincha. I instead went to watch TV. Now I havent owned a TV in almost 3 years and rarely do I sit down to watch TV so this was quite perplexing. After I went outside and the Rebbe was in a horse drawn carriage and it then morphed into a massive set of bleachers with Chassidim on it. I couldnt get inside the carriage and then saw in the window my son was also inside. When I went up the bleachers to go down the other side my son and the Rebbe was gone. Then my wife yelled at me for not watching my son and I woke up. 

B"H My wife has been very supportive of this whole process and I thank HaKodesh Baruch Hu for giving me a Beshert that is so loving, understanding, caring, and supportive. 

Monday, December 20, 2010

New Blog

I am a Lubavitch Nister. This blog is where I will iy"H anonymously express my feelings and document my experiences reintegrating back into Lubavitch. Due to the sensitivity of the issue my desire to remain anonymous will save me and my family embarrassment and harassment from those who disagree with the Lubavitch Chassidic mindset and way of life.

Short background for anyone that wants to give me advice if anyone will even read what is written here.

I am in my mid 20's with a wife and 2 children. My parents are Lubavitchers markareved ten years ago. I rejected this and five years ago began to live a more religious life. I had some very bad experiences with Lubavitchers as well as people that have disdain for Lubavitch. In my typical rebellious fashion I spent the better part of the past 4 years trying to distance myself away from Chabad as much as possible.

This year 5771 something changed inside of the deepest recesses of my soul. Simchas Torah it was clear that some sort of bond and fire within me towards Lubavitch had ben rekindled. I have been learning Chabad Chassidus now with rigor and its depths consume me with desire and strength.

Now what am I to do? I knew that the slightest deviation from my seder of life would be noticed. First I started using Nusach Ari again, claiming that it was what my father uses. The tie as a Breslover once joked a misnagdish gartel began to grace my neck again after a 2 year hiatus. Why? I heard a story from Rabbi Paltiel about one of the Malachim Chassidim going to the Friedeker Rebbe and claiming ties are gashmius and unfortunately ends up going off the derech. I begain to tie tefillin again like Nusach Chabad without much notice as well.

I have many amazing relationships with Lubavitchers, but the Yechi Melech HaMoshiach thing would drive me crazy to the point of many angry fights with my parents. Then I realized thanks to the anecdote of the Baal Shem Tov that "If you find a flaw in others and it angers you, then it is inside you that same flaw". I had my own problems dealing with Moshiach and his arrival. Pshat is im over it. It doesnt bother me. When I hear people badmouth Lubavitch for this I ask them how much they believe in Moshiach? believe he is coming THIS VERY MOMENT! but alas he doesnt but we still wait for him via one of Rambam's principle of faith.

I still dont wear the Chabad levush because I think that one must be a Lubavitcher inside before outside. I will spend my time probing the Chassidus of the Rebbeim and trying to strengthen my connection to Hashem through the learning of Torah.

CHITAS. I havent learned Mishneh Torah in well over a year. Still time.

In short, I believe that the Rebbe is the Nosi HaDor and that no other Tzaddik comes close to his holiness and impact on the Jewish people. Chassidic Rebbes around the world would come to Crown Heights to meet him. He truly was a Melech. Ha Moshiach? Rabbi Friedman once said. You made a gadol of a tzadik into a katan of a moshiach. I think that is loosly translated but it rings true. If we do what the Lubavitcher Rebbe ZT"L demanded then we will get to meet Moshiach speedly in our days and see just who he is.